A screwed-up train of thoughts.

So I stopped by at a little stall in my faculty earlier the other day and ordered a cup of cappuccino and then found out that I only had RM50 notes with me. The girl said that she had no change for that and told me to come back and pay later after my class ends (really, the cashbox was empty). But I on the other hand insisted to pay up and claim the change later, and that’s what we agreed to.

And so begun my train of thoughts as I headed to class. What would happen if I had paid later? Would I even show up to pay later? Would either of us remember about it? Would the girl hand me over the change that I’ll be claiming later?

And so I started to rethink over all those values that we’ve all heard of; honesty, integrity, self-respect, and I don’t even know if responsibility is a part of this conflict, but I thought about it too.

We all learned about moral values and how important it is to practise them in our lives. And not that this occurrence of I’ll-be-back-to-claim-my-change situation is the first that has ever happened to me, but it only occurred only then that I get to see the whole point of i having these values. It’s what builds trust among people, friends, family and countries.

Now, should I have been the delinquent and run off with the cup of cappuccino, and never bother even by the slightest bit about paying, what would have happened? First of all, I’d be a dishonest person. I’d have to bear the guilt and burden of keeping the action a secret, which may be hard when my fellow friends ask about the cup of cappuccino I held in my hands. Should I lie, my pupils would dilate a little and my voice becomes a bit shaky. My bodily movements become awkward simply to pretend that I have done nothing wrong.

And I know that one can learn to cover up these little things… But think about it… would you really want yourself to get better at doing bad things? I wouldn’t. I might as well sign up for a con organization if I give it a go. And no, I stand by my actions. I’m no criminal.

You see, there’s a strong term in behaviourism that I learned through the incidents that I have gone through or from Japanese animes: SELF-RESPECT. And I hold on to the belief that if I don’t respect myself, others won’t respect me, I’ll be repeating my wrong-doings over and over again because because I don’t mind being the deviant in society. And not only would I be avoided, I would also lose my own confidence in my life as I know it. All these would then mould me up into some kind of a violent psychopath. And I hate psychopaths.

I am thankful for this feature of mine. That I am able to think things through and not simply take the easy way out. I’m grateful that I watched TV and idolized the main characters of many series like Naruto from Naruto, Ueki from The Law of Ueki, Sora from Kingdom Hearts, and Son Goku from Dragon Ball. When I watched them, I wanted to be like them, super powers and all, impossible, but if you look at these characters from a different angle, what’s more important is their personalities. Kindness, responsible, honest, dedicated, and always for justice.

So it doesn’t matter why or how things would have gone if I had chosen to be a delinquent. And perhaps I should stop thinking about it because it’s giving me a hard time coming up with ideas for this post. I have chosen my path, and it has brought me honour. I don’t regret it.